Today is a day of mixed emotions.

No, I'm not pregnant, so those emotions are stagnant.

I have made some amazing friends on this shitty roller coaster called life. Some of the best, ironically, have become my friends and bonded with me over monthly longing, jealousy, bitterness and happiness of the land of infertility. One friend, just found out today that her invitro was a BIG FAT BUST. She is funny, kind, snarky, spunky and honest. She will make a wonderful mother to a very lucky child someday. My heart is breaking for her and her husband. Like most people, she doesn't have the extra cash lying around to do as many IVF's as it takes. She's AMA and didn't stim well. Her two surviving embies didn't turn into her much hoped for twins. I just can't get over how sad I feel for her. It's things like this that make me want to scream and throw a fit. I can only imagine all of the friggin' losers that decided to pee on something today and saw 2 lines.... It should have been her, instead.

Now for the other emotion, happiness and disbelief. 2nd friend, who lost a baby at 20+ weeks, just found out that she expecting. They had given up after the pain of their loss. Decided to go the foster adopt route.... hell, she's not had a BFP in over three years before having her miracle taken from her.... then on the week she planned to throw in the towel, on a whim, she took a test and she discovered she's pregnant. She's scared shitless and thanking the moon and the stars for another chance to bring one home. Please, let this one end on a happy note. It makes the other crap hurt a little bit less.

another cycle, coming to an end.

So today is 11dpo... and I have my hands on whitey. That's the look/name of my latest test. I hate 11 and 12 dpo, b/c as all veteran TTC'ers know, although the box/websites say not to test until 14dpo, most people get a hint of a line by 11 or 12 dpo. My one and only BFP was there on the eve of 10dpo and I even managed to get a digi to read positive on 11dpo.... so I'm assuming, like 99.9% of all of my previous cycles, this one is another bust.

Now I need to make decisions on how many more injects cycles we will do before moving forward. We are switching to military insurance only, come May. That means I will have continued meds coverage, as long as we solemnly swear to do no means of ART with the meds. Yeah, that's the military's way of giving it to the soldiers even when they're NOT on duty, since most couples need at least IUI.

I'm 3 months from 29. Yikes. I expected to be DONE with kids before 30, not trying to figure out why sex doesn't make babies like we were taught in health class. I also know that if we plan to do IVF, the summer would be the best time to do it b/c I wouldn't have to take off work. So, should I do 3 more injects cycles... and then shoot for IVF in July/August? Or should I do another year of injects, b/c of the insurance coverage... and then do IVF June of 2010... as a present for my 30th birthday. Gah, that sounds sad. Hopefully, I won't have to worry about any of this when I get that BEAUTIFUL 2nd line tomorrow....

Yes, I still dream;)

I wish every week were Spring Break.

A year of Spring Break... that's my dream. I think the older folk call it "Retirement", lol. So I decided to sell my Jeep, figured I'd buy myself some time by only listing it on Craig's List... well, holy hell, it sold in ONE DAY. Yep, I got a call and e-mail one hour after I ht submit and whammo, she bought it. That lead to some serious Internet shopping, wheelin' and dealin' with a man named, Wayne... and I now have a brand spankin' new Ford Edge. It is PRETTY. It's Razorback Red, drives like a dream, and smells like no ones hiney but my own. I have never owned a new car, so I feel special. Sad, yes.


So, let's see in the world of TTC. Same dildo cam, different day. My body is tired of my drug habit. I went from having three fatties, just almost mature on CD 9 to one decent one on CD 12. WTF? Where did the other two go?? Into hiding, on vacation, out to lunch? Needless to say, this cycle is no doubt my billionth bust in a many months trying. I may be destined to be that crazy-assed lady that buys those lifelike dolls and takes them to the park, to the store, etc... Maybe I can also be on the discovery special that highlights these weirdo's, erm, I mean, obviously tired of the dildo cam individuals;)

Anyway, today I decided that maybe I'll take a 2 month break to lose these newly acquired 15 lbs... or, like usual, when the day comes to schedule my next monitoring appt... I'll be the first one one the phone. It's an itch I can't stop scratching.

Same shit, different month.

So, I guess most people know that last month was a BUST. I had a whopping 9 day luteal phase. That's fabulous, eh? So when I called up the dr's office to schedule yet ANOTHER CD 10 u/s, the nurse was confused and asked if I was sure... well, let's see, after the 3rd tampon, I was pretty darn sure that I could no longer hope it was just implantation spotting. Ugh.

Oh well, the good news, I finally got to meet face-to-face with the satellite coordinator for the fertility clinic in LR. It was nice to actually get to speak to her and get her take on my slew of issues. She thinks I have an estrogen issue along with the progesterone issue. Man, lucky me! So, along with the progesterone supps, I will now be wearing estrogen patches. I'm a walking medicine cabinet! Good thing that my work doesn't do random drug testing, b/c with my fertility cocktail, I fully expect to have electric green urine in the future! lmao

Let's see... the tally for this week is up to 6 co-workers with pregnant children!! All of the children are within a few years of my age. 2 sets are unwanted pregnancies to unmarried couples, 3 are married less than a year, and one got preggo the first month trying. Again, Lucky me!

Where did I get confused and manage to win the INfertility lottery? B/c when it comes to bad luck, I'm pretty much the first in line!

The weekend was much better...

than anticipated.

Barry and I had a mandatory 3 day military event this weekend. We were scheduled to go the weekend of the big ice storm, but managed to get out of it... and get permission to do the makeup. This one was in Tulsa. We had to check in Friday afternoon at the Convention Center. We arrive, and no one has any information on us, NO ONE. Fabulous. After several people scratched their ass, they signed Barry up, booked us a room, and gave us directions to the hotel.

Upon arriving at the hotel, we had to argue with the reception desk, b/c they couldn't find our reservation.... fast forward, Barry had a night of meetings and was told he would get the schedule of events. I waited at the hotel.... BAR. I planned to grab a soda in the gift shop, but they were closed, so I found the bar. One whiskey sour turned into three, an appetizer, and chitchatting with 2 pilots from Continental. Barry finally arrived and we had dinner, and more drinks, and more drinks.

I found out that only a TWO HOUR session was mandatory. What? HUH? How the hell?? Whatever, I went shopping, picked Barry up at the meeting, we went to lunch, went to the aquarium, went to a bar, had lots of foreign brews, then we went to the Tulsa Oilers Hockey game Fun! Way more fun than sitting in suicide prevention meetings! Let's just pray that I don't ever need that info, lol

Sooo, since I took my HCG trigger on Thursday, I more than likely O'd on our "vacation"... here's hoping that we caught a healthy egg, and that it enjoyed the relaxing weekend of booze as much as I did. I know that I snuggled into bed each night, hopefully we have an embie doing the same even as I type.

My arm is barely attached...

and I blame all of my pain on B and his tennis match on the Wii;) He plays almost every day, so naturally, he kicked my ass in my first, second and third match. I need to get in practice on the days that he's still at work, but DAYUM, my arm is on fire. I must say, I did beat him on bowling, so his ego isn't quite as big as you would expect.

Anyhoo, Barry and I are back to 100%...well, at least 100% of the crap health that we both have, lol! We are back in the TTC game, so I get to play mad chemist and mix up my drugs. Funny, I have most of my meds stored in the egg compartment of my fridge, b/c it was just the most convenient place. Then I got more than would fit in there, so my meds have taken over the meat compartment. A friend pointed out that it's mighty hilarious that we use the eggs and meat sections to try to make babies. Very fitting, eh?

Who knew that I'd have such a drug habit in my own age??

My Cat...

is going to either put me in the poor house or make MY hair fall out. He has started licking himself so much that he is removing the fur in large spots and then continuing to lick until he has raw, open sores We have changed NOTHING in his environment.... he has just became OCD about his constant licking.

We've taken him to the vet and he suggested triple antibiotic ointment... which apparently is ecstacy for cats b/c he won't quit licking it off.

We bought and made him wear a t-shirt. He stopped licking his neck and made a new sore on each knee. WTF?

My mom is sewing him a pantsuit, lmao... hoping to cover the sores till they heal. Right now he has on an Elizabethan collar and it's working on parts, but not all of his sores. We're going to have to get a bigger one. If the collar doesn't work and I don't see marked improvement this week, he's going to the pound. JUST KIDDING... but I will be taking him back to the vet.

Anyone have any other suggestions?? Seriously, I'm going to have a cat in a turtle neck, long sleeved, onesie pantsuit next week if necessary.