I have been searching for a few things on the internet, loading pictures to photobucket and just generally spending too much time on the computer. As I was digging through my digital camera pictures, I found a few scans of HPT's from when I first got excited about the possibility of a BFP. I can clearly remember how "green" I was to infertility. It never crossed my mind that it could/would happen to me. Granted, I knew that I had PCOS, but doctors have told me for years that with the magical pill, Clomid, I would have so many babies that I'd take up residence in a shoe.
As I looked at the scans I noticed that they were so obviously negative that it was crazy for me to even hope. I gladly got pulled into WTT and the feeding frenzy that ensues when someone posts a STARK white "do you see it" picture. In a way, I miss being that girl. The one who dutifully took my meds, had many a date with the dildocam, and made sure to fork over a gazillion bucks to get the chance for a doctor to "bypass my cervix". At the time, Clomid was Latin for "instant BFP". Now, I realize that BFP is and acronym for... "Better Forget Pregnancy", and Clomid is Latin for... "not in this lifetime".
I find that I have settled in the role of infertile hag, very well. I am annoyed easily, I fret about the what-if's, I over analyze the why-nots, I feel copious amounts of jealousy for people that I have never met... and then I an ridden with guilt for those feelings.
Just today at work, I looked at a few of our students who have more siblings than their parents have good sense, and it made me incredibly sad. I work in an area where the families are 200% poverty. That is 12K for a family of four. The reality is that, though they cannot afford more children, they can't bring themselves to stop having them.
I have wondered if they are living a better life than I, poverty and all... because even though they have nothing in comparison to most, they have the one thing I have been unable to obtain~~ the love of a child. Maybe jealousy goes both ways.
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7 comments:
Reality really bites sometimes. I'll never understand why some people who shouldn't have kids can just pop them out one right after the other and the people who would be great parents struggle with infertility.
It sucks.
The grass is always greener somehow. And to quote Mandy, "It sucks." Yes it does... it sucks that they can do the one thing you long to do the most (well, besides having Barry home safe ;) ).
((HUGS))
This post really hits home to me! I also can't stand seeing the teens popping out babies left and right. I just don't understand why people have to struggle with infertility. I might have to start taking Clomid again soon. UGH! I'm thinking of you and praying for Barry's quick return home.
((Hugs))
It's so frickin' unfair. Did we go to the same Doc, b/c you just described me to a T about 18 months ago.
I don't think those people have it better than anyone, it's got to be a hopeless feeling to have more kids than you can support, afford, educate, and raise responsibly. The sad/frustrating part is that they are ignorant enough to continue having them.
I sometimes think people will have another baby because it is something they can control, something they can do. They may not be able to pay off debt or get a good job or have a home, but they can have babies so they do.
The grass may be greener to some, but I wouldn't trade places with them. We all have our struggles.
All I can really say is ((((hugs)))) because I might break down again if I start rambling.
There is nothing in the world that I can say to you that will make it hurt less. I still have that jealously when I look at someone who has the family I dreamed I'd have and know that they couldn't begin (in most cases) to understand how fortunate they are.
If I could, I'd sit down and have a couple of rounds of margaritas with you, well I'd have beer, and we could bitch about how much it sucks and make snarky comments about the all the skinny hos walking by.
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