Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Today is a day of mixed emotions.

No, I'm not pregnant, so those emotions are stagnant.

I have made some amazing friends on this shitty roller coaster called life. Some of the best, ironically, have become my friends and bonded with me over monthly longing, jealousy, bitterness and happiness of the land of infertility. One friend, just found out today that her invitro was a BIG FAT BUST. She is funny, kind, snarky, spunky and honest. She will make a wonderful mother to a very lucky child someday. My heart is breaking for her and her husband. Like most people, she doesn't have the extra cash lying around to do as many IVF's as it takes. She's AMA and didn't stim well. Her two surviving embies didn't turn into her much hoped for twins. I just can't get over how sad I feel for her. It's things like this that make me want to scream and throw a fit. I can only imagine all of the friggin' losers that decided to pee on something today and saw 2 lines.... It should have been her, instead.

Now for the other emotion, happiness and disbelief. 2nd friend, who lost a baby at 20+ weeks, just found out that she expecting. They had given up after the pain of their loss. Decided to go the foster adopt route.... hell, she's not had a BFP in over three years before having her miracle taken from her.... then on the week she planned to throw in the towel, on a whim, she took a test and she discovered she's pregnant. She's scared shitless and thanking the moon and the stars for another chance to bring one home. Please, let this one end on a happy note. It makes the other crap hurt a little bit less.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

another cycle, coming to an end.

So today is 11dpo... and I have my hands on whitey. That's the look/name of my latest test. I hate 11 and 12 dpo, b/c as all veteran TTC'ers know, although the box/websites say not to test until 14dpo, most people get a hint of a line by 11 or 12 dpo. My one and only BFP was there on the eve of 10dpo and I even managed to get a digi to read positive on 11dpo.... so I'm assuming, like 99.9% of all of my previous cycles, this one is another bust.

Now I need to make decisions on how many more injects cycles we will do before moving forward. We are switching to military insurance only, come May. That means I will have continued meds coverage, as long as we solemnly swear to do no means of ART with the meds. Yeah, that's the military's way of giving it to the soldiers even when they're NOT on duty, since most couples need at least IUI.

I'm 3 months from 29. Yikes. I expected to be DONE with kids before 30, not trying to figure out why sex doesn't make babies like we were taught in health class. I also know that if we plan to do IVF, the summer would be the best time to do it b/c I wouldn't have to take off work. So, should I do 3 more injects cycles... and then shoot for IVF in July/August? Or should I do another year of injects, b/c of the insurance coverage... and then do IVF June of 2010... as a present for my 30th birthday. Gah, that sounds sad. Hopefully, I won't have to worry about any of this when I get that BEAUTIFUL 2nd line tomorrow....

Yes, I still dream;)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I wish every week were Spring Break.

A year of Spring Break... that's my dream. I think the older folk call it "Retirement", lol. So I decided to sell my Jeep, figured I'd buy myself some time by only listing it on Craig's List... well, holy hell, it sold in ONE DAY. Yep, I got a call and e-mail one hour after I ht submit and whammo, she bought it. That lead to some serious Internet shopping, wheelin' and dealin' with a man named, Wayne... and I now have a brand spankin' new Ford Edge. It is PRETTY. It's Razorback Red, drives like a dream, and smells like no ones hiney but my own. I have never owned a new car, so I feel special. Sad, yes.

So, let's see in the world of TTC. Same dildo cam, different day. My body is tired of my drug habit. I went from having three fatties, just almost mature on CD 9 to one decent one on CD 12. WTF? Where did the other two go?? Into hiding, on vacation, out to lunch? Needless to say, this cycle is no doubt my billionth bust in a many months trying. I may be destined to be that crazy-assed lady that buys those lifelike dolls and takes them to the park, to the store, etc... Maybe I can also be on the discovery special that highlights these weirdo's, erm, I mean, obviously tired of the dildo cam individuals;)

Anyway, today I decided that maybe I'll take a 2 month break to lose these newly acquired 15 lbs... or, like usual, when the day comes to schedule my next monitoring appt... I'll be the first one one the phone. It's an itch I can't stop scratching.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Same shit, different month.

So, I guess most people know that last month was a BUST. I had a whopping 9 day luteal phase. That's fabulous, eh? So when I called up the dr's office to schedule yet ANOTHER CD 10 u/s, the nurse was confused and asked if I was sure... well, let's see, after the 3rd tampon, I was pretty darn sure that I could no longer hope it was just implantation spotting. Ugh.

Oh well, the good news, I finally got to meet face-to-face with the satellite coordinator for the fertility clinic in LR. It was nice to actually get to speak to her and get her take on my slew of issues. She thinks I have an estrogen issue along with the progesterone issue. Man, lucky me! So, along with the progesterone supps, I will now be wearing estrogen patches. I'm a walking medicine cabinet! Good thing that my work doesn't do random drug testing, b/c with my fertility cocktail, I fully expect to have electric green urine in the future! lmao

Let's see... the tally for this week is up to 6 co-workers with pregnant children!! All of the children are within a few years of my age. 2 sets are unwanted pregnancies to unmarried couples, 3 are married less than a year, and one got preggo the first month trying. Again, Lucky me!

Where did I get confused and manage to win the INfertility lottery? B/c when it comes to bad luck, I'm pretty much the first in line!